Is it High Standards or Perfectionism?
5 signs your drive for excellence has become a burden
People often wonder about the difference between being a perfectionist and simply being a high achiever who likes to pursue excellence and make things right. But the difference only looks subtle from the outside. Where perfectionism really becomes a problem is on the inside- a harsh inner critic who can’t tolerate failure.
When you hit your target, the goalposts shift
And there’s always a reason- it was too easy so you must not have done your best. Or something came up that kept you from dedicating all your time to the project so it’s inevitably not as good as it could have been if only. Whatever the reason, you can’t seem to accept success as an outcome. If it were truly a drive for excellence, you’d be able to acknowledge that you did it.
You don’t feel satisfied with your accomplishments
Naturally, if you can’t even acknowledge that you met your goal, you won’t have the sense of satisfaction that comes along with a job well done. For perfectionists, finishing one thing just means there’s a new thing to do. There’s never space to reflect on all the things you’ve done right or accomplished in life or at work.
You can’t accept positive feedback
This isn’t limited just to your view of yourself. You also reject other people’s opinions of you, especially when they’re positive. Maybe it feels like folks around you are just being polite, their own standards are too low, or they don’t have your perspective of how much better things could have been. Whatever the reason, you always find a way to dismiss compliments, accolades, or other proof that you are actually doing well.
Failures feel personal, not situational
When you do mess up, your inner critic comes out. You didn’t fail, you are a failure. You didn’t make a mistake, you’re someone who can’t do anything right. That’s the voice of perfectionism right there. People with high standards fail sometimes, and they take that failure in stride. Disappointing, but not personal. Something to learn from and move on, not a definitive set of proofs of their own failure.
If you resonated with these, therapy can help
Your inner critic doesn’t have to run the show. Perfectionism is often a response to trauma or broken attachment where our identity is so deeply tied to our performance that we have to do right to be right and where we have to earn love, care, and relationship by being perfect to become deserving.
I provide online therapy in California for perfectionists, people pleasers, and overachievers who feel trapped by their cruel inner critic and want to find a new way forward where they can still excel and hold high standards without feeling defined by their failures.