Is it High Standards or Perfectionism?
People often wonder about the difference between being a perfectionist and simply being a high achiever who likes to pursue excellence and make things right. But the difference only looks subtle from the outside. Where perfectionism really becomes a problem is on the inside- a harsh inner critic who can’t tolerate failure. Perfectionism is about trying to manage uncertainty by trying to make things good enough to keep you from being judged. But with an inner critic that’s afraid of what others might think, nothing is ever good enough.
5 signs it’s perfectionism:
When you hit your target, the goalposts shift.
And there’s always a reason- it was too easy so you must not have done your best. Or something came up that kept you from dedicating all your time to the project so it’s inevitably not as good as it could have been if only. Perfectionism can’t accept success because it’s afraid of being judged. And since other people’s standards are personal, not objective, there’s no actual finish line.
You don’t feel satisfied with your accomplishments.
Naturally, if you can’t even acknowledge that you met your goal, you won’t have the sense of satisfaction that comes along with a job well done. For perfectionists, finishing one thing just means there’s a new thing to do. There’s never space to reflect on all the things you’ve done right or accomplished in life or at work. You can never feel like you’ve arrived because your idea of finally making it comes with a sense of certainty that you don’t feel yet. Perfectionism tells you it’s just around the corner. Just one more thing and then you might feel okay.
You can’t accept positive feedback.
This isn’t limited just to your own view of yourself. You also reject other people’s opinions of you, especially when they’re positive. Maybe it feels like folks around you are just being polite, their own standards are too low, or they don’t have your perspective of how much better things could have been. Whatever the reason, you always find a way to dismiss compliments, accolades, or other proof that you are actually doing well. Perfectionism dismisses positive feedback because it’s waiting for the judgment, not the praise. It’s a thought process centered in avoidance and fear, seeking perfection not to do well but to protect you from hurt or uncertainty.
Failures feel personal, not situational.
When you do mess up, your inner critic comes out. You didn’t fail, you are a failure. You didn’t make a mistake, you’re someone who can’t do anything right. That’s the voice of perfectionism right there. People with high standards fail sometimes, and they take that failure in stride. Disappointing, but not personal. Something to learn from and move on, not a definitive set of proofs of their own failure.
If you resonated with these, therapy can help.
Your inner critic doesn’t have to run the show. Perfectionism is often a response to trauma or broken attachment where our identity is so deeply tied to our performance that we have to do right to be right and where we have to earn love, care, and relationship by being perfect to become deserving.
I provide online therapy in California for perfectionists, people pleasers, and overachievers who feel trapped by their cruel inner critic and want to find a new way forward where they can still excel and hold high standards without feeling defined by their failures.
Therapy with me is about building trust with yourself so when life gets hard or someone is disappointed in you, it doesn’t feel like the end of the world. The stress of perfectionism isn’t about doing things right, it’s about avoiding pain, uncertainty, and judgment. You can heal from perfectionism and still want to do things well for their own sake, but it’ll be your own idea and not a way to try to feel secure in an ever-changing world.