How To Talk To Children About Death
Children are able to understand death, loss, and grief from a very early age. Each developmental stage gives them a different perspective on death, so parents, teachers, caregivers, and other adults will want to know how to talk about death with children in an age-appropriate way.
Very Young Children (0-2)
In this age group, children are still coming into awareness of who they are, how they fit into the world, and the fact that they are an individual.
Children in this age are often not ready for a direct conversation about death. Early infants without a concept of object permanence can’t mentally comprehend the difference between someone walking out of the room and someone dying. Children develop object permanence around 7-8 months, and they learn that people who go out of sight are still around somewhere. But that doesn’t mean they have an ideal of “gone forever,” so they will still ask about the person who died and when they are coming back.
Preschool (2-4 years)
Death is present in many children’s stories, especially older traditional fairytales. Pretend play is a primary way that children practice feeling emotions like sadness and loss.
It’s not uncommon for kids to have play that centers on the question of what they would do and how they would survive if their parents or caregivers died. This is not the child being angry at parents, and it doesn’t mean they wish their parents were dead. It is a normal part of their development. Children of this age often are unable to sustain emotions, so from an adult perspective you might see them express sadness for a short time and then go play. They also lack vocabulary to talk about many of the things they are feeling, and it can be helpful to get them books about grief and loss or for you as the adult in their life to talk about how you are feeling. Children who do not know how to express strong emotions tend to act out, so please be gentle with your grieving child’s behaviors as they learn.
Preschool children are concrete thinkers. They don’t understand euphemisms very well, and they have a hard time seeing death as permanent and irreversible.
With this age group, be very careful about your language. Saying things like “grandma got sick and she had to go away” or “daddy fell asleep and he’s not coming back” can make young children intensely afraid of sickness and sleep. Use clear language to tell the child that the person died. You may need to explain it several times, especially if you or someone else in the child’s life becomes sick, needs to go to the hospital, or needs other medical treatment. Your preschool child might get clingy or regress for a while and express concerns about your health. This may or may not show up along with pretend play where you die. Children at this age will often want to hear the story or ask questions over and over again, which can be hard on you if you are also grieving.
Elementary (5-9)
At this age, children have the full spectrum of emotions, and they have also been exposed to different stories about death. They understand now that death is irreversible in real life.
Children at this age are very observant and imaginative. They might not ask as many questions as younger children, and that can cause problems when they fill in the gaps with their imagination about what might have happened. They often imagine traumatic, violent, and nightmarish events when left to themselves, so elementary aged children should be told a more complete story about what happened.
At this age, they may assume that they caused the death because of anger, negative thoughts, or some other event where they were unkind to the deceased person. They may be concerned about where the dead person will sleep, what they will eat, or how they will stay warm. They will often cling tightly to their caregivers and go through phases of being overly kind and polite. They may also get more worried about their own safety from danger, illness, and accidents.
Elementary children have more complex thoughts about death. This can show up in very different ways than in younger children.
In particular, you might notice changes in their sleep and eating. They can develop nightmares or repetitive dream sequences. At this age, they will often experience their grief as psychosomatic complaints, especially stomach aches and muscle tension.
They might start to tell stories, draw pictures, or focus on media that centers either on death or on saving people from death. These children can really connect to superheros, miraculous stories, and doctors.
Middle School (10-13)
Children of this age are socially oriented. They have a better understanding of death outside of stories and media, and it is likely that they know someone in their social group who has gone through a loss.
At this age, they may hide their emotional experience from parents and caregivers so they are not a burden, especially if they see their parents grieving. They may not ask for help, and if asked they may deny wanting help. Rather than answer questions from peers, they often withdraw socially. At school, teachers will notice a lack of concentration or acting out from the student.
Their ability to think with more complexity can make them withdraw internally to figure things out rather than feel the emotions around the loss.
A child of this age might spend much of their waking day playing out the loss in their mind. This could include imagining what happened or remembering how they were told about the death. They may couple this with time spent researching statistics, facts, and details about what happened.
High School (14-18)
Children in this age group are already naturally focused on existential questions, and death can feel more traumatic to high school children.
They may not talk about death directly, preferring to focus on more abstract existential concepts like meaning, purpose, identity, and justice/fairness. Older teens can really benefit from leaning into their focus on justice and grieving through activism or volunteering to raise awareness of medical issues, raise money for research, or campaign against suicide or gun violence.
Teens often will have a strong reaction to the idea of others knowing about their loss. They may be intensely angry if you tell their school administration, teachers, community leaders, or friends. They like to be in control of what others know about them.
Older teens sense the shifts in their broader community and are very conscious about how any change affects their social role.
They often try to fill the gap left by the deceased. If the family lost a parent, an older teen will often step up and try to be more of a parent figure to younger siblings or support their remaining parent. If the family lost another child, teens in this age group might try to act older or younger to fill the missing social role for the family. They can take similar roles when a friend dies, but that can get more complex as the friend group all readjusts.
Teens express their grief through perfectionism, caretaking, hypervigilance, and sensitivity to others. They can also act out, take excessive risks, and have suicidal thoughts.
Four Key Concepts:
Death is irreversible
All life functions end at the time of death
All living things will eventually die
There are physical reasons for death
These concepts take mastery, so younger children will not necessarily be able to understand them all.
FAQ about talking to children about death
Should a younger child participate in the wake, funeral, etc?
Yes. Children are more likely to have a negative experience with death when they are left out of family rituals.
How much should a child know about a death that’s violent, socially unacceptable, suicide, etc?
It’s best to be honest with children. They can often tell when you are giving them one story and a different one to others, and they may not feel like they are able to talk with you about it if they find out the real story from another person. They don’t need every detail, but the story you give them should be truthful and you can give them a fuller understanding as they get older.
How do I support my child as they grieve?
Children need to maintain a link to the deceased. Younger children can do this through telling stories about the family to reaffirm their connection. All children can hear realistic stories about the deceased that include both positive and negative traits. They need to be included and feel like they can openly communicate their thoughts, emotions, and questions. Children need to stay connected to a warm, supportive adult. That’s really all they need to come through this experience well.
How do I know if my child’s grief needs extra outside support?
It’s better to be safe than sorry. Grief therapists should not turn you away because your grief is not “bad enough” to get help. Here are some signs that your child might need extra help:
The child has become incredibly anxious and insecure
The child cannot be comforted by other people
The child’s stress is causing problems with their physical health
The child loses their sense of self
The child is not supported or connected to any adult
Why does my child keep bringing up the loss?
Children’s understanding changes over time. It’s normal for new perspectives to come to light as they mature developmentally. It’s also normal for the loss to come back as they hit milestones without that person.
Grief therapy can help
Counseling for grief can include parent support as well!
While I certainly hope the above information is helpful, I recognize that I can’t cover every situation in a short write up. If you need your own support as you grieve a loss, or if you want ongoing support for how you as a parent can help your child grieve, contact me here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.