Growing Up HSP (in a non-sensitive family)
Temperament mismatches
In a family dynamic, power is hierarchical. So when your parents have a different sort of temperament and personality from you, it’s easy for the entire family system to label you as the problem. Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) make up just 20% of the population, so while you may have had at least one Highly Sensitive parent, it’s also likely that neither of your parents understood your trait.
As a child, you may have felt criticized and othered by your family. This interferes with your ability to securely attach and attune to your parents. A parent who did not heal their own attachment wounds may have felt rejected or inadequate in their failures to understand and connect with you. An unhealed parent may have lashed out at you or blamed you for the mismatch instead of seeking to understand your differences and meet your needs.
Consistent misattunement leads to relational trauma as your family system is unable to meet your needs for connection, emotional engagement, and sense of belonging. Relational trauma affects your sense of self. If you have relational trauma, you may struggle to see your self worth, put yourself first in relationships, or feel like you are safe and loved.
Relational trauma in HSPs
5 key signs of relational trauma include:
Taking responsibility for the emotional well being of others
Being hypervigilant in monitoring others’ moods
Perfectionism and fear of failure
Fear of abandonment
Counter-dependency or hyper independence
The DOES traits of HSPs (depth of processing, easily overstimulated, emotional responsitivity, sensitivity to subtleties) can intensify these signs of relational trauma. Think about it- if you’re already highly sensitive, you’re taking in so much information about the people, environment, and situations around you. Then add in the hypervigilance and sense of responsibility to manage all that extra stuff, and you can see how HSPs are so deeply harmed by relational trauma caused by misattunements in early life.
Turning against your Self
In many cases, when a person with attachment wounds and relational trauma discovers that they are indeed Highly Sensitive, they can turn against the trait. Suddenly you have a label for the reason you never felt included or welcomed in your family. It makes sense to feel angry, sad, or betrayed by your HSP traits.
Fear of abandonment, fear of failure, and a sense of responsibility for others can all contribute to the pattern of you taking on the blame for your differences. This pattern can look a lot like depression- I’m worthless, I’m the problem, I make things worse. It can also look like anxiety- analyzing interactions, ruminating over missteps, waiting to be abandoned.
Healing often looks like accepting yourself
If you’re a Highly Sensitive Person who has been stuck in these thought patterns, take a moment to pause. As you’ve read through these past paragraphs, what parts have resonated with you? Take time to tap into your intuition and any small voice inside.
If there’s any part of you that has noticed a mismatch between you and your family system, how does it feel to consider the option that you are not to blame for the misattunement?
Read these statements to yourself:
It was my parents’ responsibility to adjust to my traits, personality, and needs.
It was not my job to be an easy child for my parents.
It is not my fault that my family didn’t understand me or my needs.
How do those statements feel? Notice any shifts in your body or in your emotions.
Therapy can help unstick difficult emotions
If you’re stuck on difficult emotions or memories from growing up HSP in a non-sensitive family, therapy can help. Learn more about how I help HSPs or about how EMDR can reprocess emotions, body feelings, and memories.
To schedule a free consultation, contact me here. I’ll get back to you and we’ll find a time to meet and have a no-pressure chat about what you need and how I can help.