Our stress response is a survival mechanism. You need to be able to activate your body quickly if there’s danger, and you want to be alert if there’s a potential threat.
Life can start to feel overwhelming when we’re seeing threats everywhere. Work deadlines, being stuck in traffic, the pressures of parenting, or even something positive like a vacation can start to feel like too much when we’re reacting to normal life events like they’re existential threats.
And sometimes there really is a threat we perceive- you have to lead this meeting well or your job will be on the line. You could lose your home, your health insurance, and your standing in your field if you don’t do well. Maybe it’s not a survival threat, but it is an existential threat that could upend your life- if it’s a real threat and not an imagined worst case scenario.
Other times, we create the threat ourselves with the narratives we attach to events. There is very little danger in sitting in traffic. But we create a story about the experience, telling ourselves things like, “This is stupid, it shouldn’t take this long to get home,” or, “If people would only learn how to drive better, we wouldn’t be going this slow.” We create a perception of the world where other people are incompetent, unreasonable, or creating a harmful environment. In this world, we are threatened and prevented from getting what we need or deserve.
This is actually a good thing
We have very few actual threats to our lives and safety in our modern lives. What we have is busyness, time pressure, and our own narratives creating a sense of threat where there doesn’t have to be.
What this means is that your sense of stress is more under your influence than you might think, but not in the way that most people go about it.
The wrong kind of control
Most people try to manage their stress and overwhelm by trying to manage the situation. Maybe one of these situations sounds familiar:
Your boss seems to have impossible standards and nitpicks your presentations, so you spend hours trying to make sure things are right so you don’t get criticized. Then after the presentation is over, you analyze what you said and did wrong so you can predict what he’s going to say in the feedback meeting.
Between the kids’ school, sports, and activities it feels like there’s not enough time in the day to get everything done, so you impose a strict schedule on yourself and your family. When things get off track, you get upset. When the kids or your spouse complain about the rigidity, you get even more upset they’re not taking this as seriously as you are.
Something unexpected happened- a car accident, a new cancer diagnosis, the death of a loved one. You can’t stop going over and over what happened in your head, trying to find the thing you could have done differently to prevent this. If you could only figure out who or what is responsible, you can keep it from happening again.
You have to make a big decision, and you can’t settle on what to choose. You can think of pros and cons for each option and nothing seems exactly right. You’re holding out for the perfect option to come up, but it hasn’t yet and you’re running out of time. If you make the wrong decision, you’ll regret it so you have to make sure you think through all the options first.
You get the idea. Life gets hectic, painful, or busy and (if you’re like most people) your first response is to get some control over the situation itself. The logic makes sense on the surface- if the situation feels overwhelming, fix the situation so it’s no longer overwhelming. Simple as.
But that’s not really how life works most of the time. Yes, some things are in your control. Most things aren’t.
Where you have the most control? Yourself.
Let’s get personal
Stress often comes down to two things:
your beliefs
your responses
Life will get hectic and even difficult at times. But that doesn’t mean it has to be stressful or overwhelming.
Stress-creating beliefs
If I’m not stressed or worried, that means I don’t care.
Being overwhelmed is just part of being busy, which means I’m being productive and pushing myself to perform better.
I work hard so I can rest in my free time. Anything that interrupts my rest time is intrusive and unwanted.
If I could only do things perfectly, nobody could criticize me.
I have to get this exactly right the first time or it will create problems for me.
Stress-creating responses
You have six things on your to-do list, so you spend the next few hours on your phone getting increasingly anxious about having less and less time to get it all done
You’ve been meaning to get back into reading. You’ve got the book you want to read and a free hour to get started. Instead, you wash dishes and start a load of laundry.
When you slow down, your thoughts and emotions are uncomfortable. You do everything you can to keep yourself busy- packed schedule, podcast always on, caffeine all day and alcohol or weed to help you slow down at night.
With any decision you make, you need reassurance that it’s the right one. You ask your partner, six friends, your mom, your boss, and the internet about it. No matter what anyone says, you’re not certain yet so you find someone else to ask.
Creating plans that depend on things happening one particular way. If things deviate from the plan, your anxiety spikes even if nothing bad has happened.
Back to why this is a good thing
Because these two factors- your beliefs and your responses- are under your control.
Control here is an interesting word. These beliefs and responses are fairly automatic, so I don’t mean that you create them or that you’re intentionally making them happen. What I mean is that we all have the capacity to notice what’s happening and choose to do something different.
It’s not easy to do even when you know the steps
So yeah, your stress is within your control no matter what the circumstances around you are. And yet, it’s not that simple. If it were as easy as reminding yourself you don’t need to be stressed, very few people would still choose to live their lives that way.
The depth therapy difference
I’ll be the first to tell you that therapy isn’t some kind of magic fix for stress. It’s not a “come to six sessions and you’re cured forever” deal. Wouldn’t that be nice?
But there is a big difference between the stress relief we get from numbing out (scrolling, dissociating, smoking, drinking) or getting anxious (overthinking, worrying, reassurance seeking) and the kind of transformative change we can get from deep, contemplative work. The false relief we get from quick fixes fades quickly and doesn’t actually change the way we relate to stress.
As I work with my clients, I’m listening for the story underneath their description of all the things they’ve got stressing them out. I’m looking for the beliefs and responses that keep their stress going. Often as we explore, we learn that their stress response patterns are generational. They learned how to deal with stress from watching their parents handle life, seeing it modeled and following their example or trying so hard to do the opposite they end up overcorrecting and doing something different but not better.
That’s why working with me goes beyond just “let’s do this breathing exercise so you feel better.” We might still do a meditation or exercise together, but we don’t stop there. We’ll talk through the thoughts that come up, the sensations you notice in your body, and the memories associated with your feelings. We’ll process through the very real reasons you have for reacting the way you do and unpack whether or not those strategies are still helpful for your life now.
Three steps to stopping the stress cycle
1. Notice when you’re stressed
You can’t stop the cycle if you don’t even know you’re in it. That’s why the first step has to be developing the ability to observe yourself and notice that it’s even happening. In the beginning, you may not be able to tell you’re stressed until you’re in full overwhelm. That’s okay. A big part of noticing in mindfulness is non-judgment for a reason. Judging yourself brings in shame which reduces your ability to learn and grow through the experience.
Many of my clients spend a long time on this step. Between the work of noticing and stopping the judgmental, critical inner voice, this can take a while. Over time, the noticing happens sooner. Your self-observation skills grow, and you can catch yourself earlier and earlier in the cycle. One day, you’ll be able to notice the first spark and stop it before it grows and spirals into stress.
You might observe physical signs like muscle tension, upset stomach, repetitive movements, or restlessness. Your stress might be more mental- swirling thoughts, overthinking, or worry. Most people have a combination. Noticing is personal, and you’ll get to know your unique combination of signs that show you’re heading for stress and overwhelm.
2. Do something helpful
In the middle of a stressful situation, it’s not necessarily the time to do inner work. So if you’re going through something difficult, the next step is to do something helpful.
If it’s 2AM and you’re worried about a presentation tomorrow, the most helpful thing you can do is sleep. (Easier said than done, I know). In the moment, that might look like redirecting your attention, doing a breath meditation, or playing a sleepcast.
If you’re frustrated that a plan is deviating from the way you wanted things to go, a helpful action might be taking a step back and reevaluating. Maybe things are going fine even if it’s not the way you’d anticipated and the most helpful thing is stepping out of your own way. And if things aren’t going well, what can you actually do? Sometimes there isn’t much, but many times there are steps you can take to help get the result you want that fits your values and goals. That last part is important. It’s not really about doing something to get life back on track with your plan. The plan is a means to an end, and the bit that really matters is the result.
3. Question your stress beliefs and responses
This is the depth work in action. Once you know your stress triggers, you can dig down to find what’s underneath. Usually, the fastest way to find the core of the problem is to notice the story of what it says about you. Our core beliefs are usually about ourselves.
Let’s go through two examples so you can see it in action.
The stressful promotion
You’ve been steady at work for a while, and your good work is getting noticed. You’re offered a small promotion- some extra responsibilities with the promise of more. Pretty soon, you feel flooded with anxiety. The extra pressure feels overwhelming and you feel like everything you do is one step away from making the whole thing crash down around you. Your first instinct is to shrink back and do poorly enough they take the responsibility away from you. But you notice this response, pause, and give yourself space to do something different because you know you do really want this promotion. Later at home when you’re feeling calm, you question this response.
-What felt overwhelming?
I can’t handle the pressure. If I do well on this, they’ll keep adding more. And if they add too much more, I won’t be able to keep up.
-What would it say about you if you can’t handle things or keep up?
If I fail at this, my boss and all my coworkers will see that there’s something wrong with me. Everyone else seems to be able to get through life without struggling as much as I do.
-What does it say about you if you struggle with life?
It says I’m not keeping up. Or when I do, it’s a huge effort for me but not for other people. I’m not good enough. I’m stupid and worthless. I’m different and don’t belong.
-Where did you learn to think of yourself that way?
(This is the part where we’d explore and process through your specific memories of the times you’ve felt this way before. We would make the connection between “I’m worried I can’t handle responsibility” and the core beliefs about yourself that fuel the stress. When your inner world sees life’s difficulties as a test you have to pass to prove your worth, everything becomes more stressful. Deep inner work here would help you trust in your inherent value, belonging, and capability so you could face the extra requirements of the promotion without tying it to your self identity.)
Same thing, different core belief
You’ve been steady at work for a while, and your good work is getting noticed. You’re offered a small promotion- some extra responsibilities with the promise of more. Pretty soon, you feel flooded with anxiety. You know managers aren’t protected by the union contracts, and you’re worried you were only promoted so they could fire you more easily. You break out in a cold sweat and just want to spend the afternoon looking for a new job so you’re safe when they fire you. But you notice this response, pause, and give yourself space to do something different because you know you do really want this promotion. Later at home when you’re feeling calm, you question this response.
-What felt overwhelming?
I can’t shake the feeling that this was a set up. I feel like I’m in danger of being fired, and I need to do something to protect myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the promotion.
-What does it say about you if you were set up to be fired?
I tried to analyze the way my boss told me about the promotion to see if it was a trick. He seemed busy and a bit distracted, but that could have been an act. I read dozens of emails going back months to see if his tone changed, but I couldn’t tell if there was a difference.
-What does it say about you if you can’t tell?
I have bad judgment. I can’t trust my boss, my coworkers, or even myself. I can’t see what’s safe and what’s a threat.
-Where did you learn to think of yourself that way?
(This is the part where we’d explore and process through your specific memories of the times you’ve felt this way before. We’d look at times your trust in yourself and others was broken, the vulnerability in not being able to trust your judgment, and times you took a risk to trust and it worked out well. When you don’t feel safe in the world, your sense of threat is overactive which leads you to react more intensely to situations where you’re uncertain. Deep inner work here would involve somatic integration to calm your threat sense in safe places so you can more accurately read the situation and trust your judgment again.)
You can live differently
Stress is trying to be helpful. It wants us to overanalyze and worry because it wants us to feel in control of the situation. But real life isn’t always predictable, and ruminating over the options doesn’t actually make us feel secure.
Instead, we need a whole different approach to stress. Taking a step back allows us to notice what’s going on inside, take helpful action where possible, and question ourselves to explore the core beliefs that fuel our stress responses.
Therapy can help
Yes, you can absolutely do this on your own. Therapy helps expedite the process by offering a neutral outside perspective, a confidential space to explore your inner world, and help to build new habits of mind and action.
This way of approaching stress isn’t a quick fix. It’s a new perspective on yourself, your inner world, and how you relate to life’s ups and downs. And once it becomes a habit, this way of living gives you peace as you develop the confidence in yourself to handle whatever happens without worry or stress.