Two Negative Messages At the Roots of Your Harsh Inner Critic
Relational trauma and emotional neglect can be difficult to identify.
My clients come to therapy with a whole ton of internalized messages they’ve been told about themselves, their identity, and their place in the world.
You can probably guess that none of these messages are very kind or affirming. You’d be right.
These kinds of messages can be generally sorted into two types. In fact, you may have grown up with these kinds of messages yourself even if you had a fairly good or neutral childhood. But these messages are often used as leverage to dismiss your needs, undermine your sense of self, and keep you emotionally hungry for affirmation that you may never receive.
1) You’re not enough
Not good enough, not doing enough, not smart/strong/thin enough. Whatever it is, you’re not enough. If you heard this message as a kid, it was probably in the context of shame, failure, and disappointment. The person pointing out your deficits wanted to make sure you knew that you made a mistake. But it wasn’t simply that you made a mistake, they pointed it out, and helped you resolve it (which would have been the helpful, connected way to approach a mistake). No, it’s a direct attack on your identity, value, and worth. And if you’re the problem, they don’t have to do the work of modeling good behavior or teaching you how to do tasks.
2) You’re too much
Too loud, too needy, too sensitive. Whatever you are, it’s too much. And yes, it’s super common to have both these messages as a kid- both too much and not enough. Super confusing for a child’s mind to understand! Like the other messages, this one thrives on failure and shame. Usually, the person saying this is overwhelmed and needs space but doesn’t know how to say it in a healthy, connected way. Instead, they resort to shaming you into shutting down your behavior so they can manage their emotions and overwhelm more easily. If you’re the problem, they don’t have to take responsibility for their own emotional regulation or do their own work. And again, shaming you for who you are is easier than being curious and connected as they guide you through your growth.
How do we heal from these messages?
It can help to allow your adult perspective to come through so you can understand how and why your parents, teachers, caregivers, or other attachment figures felt the need to shame you. Notice any patterns- was there more shame about cleanliness, hygiene, or chores? Food, eating, or weight? School or sports achievement? Social interactions? All of the above?
In therapy, we can go through these memories as they come up. We’ll explore how they are related to each other and to your core self image. Starting with the very earliest time you were told these things, we’ll use reprocessing sessions to trace through memory and experience to affect your current life and relationships.
Inner healing is possible
If either or both of these messages feel familiar, feel free to contact me here for a free 15 minute virtual consultation or learn more about my approach here.