Breaking the People Pleasing Cycle with Mindfulness
The people pleasing cycle in brief
People pleasing is a psychological and relational defense mechanism in which you try to be liked, accepted, and wanted by minimizing the discomfort, conflict, and need that other people might experience.
It takes many forms: keeping your partner happy so they’re never disappointed in you, taking on extra tasks at work so your boss and coworkers appreciate you, or not speaking up about your preferences so you’ll be included in your friend group.
If you’re a people pleaser, you’ll know that’s not the full picture. You bend over backwards for others, but they don’t notice. They start to take your efforts for granted. You start to feel unimportant and unappreciated. Resentment builds up and you feel a desire to pull away so they notice your absence and reach out— at least that will prove they actually needed you.
Maybe you get that reaction and maybe they don’t even notice you pulling away. The disconnection creates its own tension, and you go back to what you know which is people pleasing. You settle back into the rhythm of hiding your needs and wants, and it’s peaceful again for a little while. It might not be ideal, but it’s better than abandonment, rejection, and disconnection. But then the resentment starts building up again.
Mindfulness shows you your pattern
Everyone is unique. Your people pleasing tendencies come from your background, your family of origin story, and the ways you’ve learned about healthy (or unhealthy) ways to attach to others in relationship.
Maybe you had a people pleasing parent, and they literally taught you that this is how you should act. Or maybe your relationships were harsh, rejecting, or abusive and people pleasing is what helped keep you safe through that experience.
Let’s approach your people pleasing tendencies with kindness, compassion, and curiosity. No matter how you developed them, they are here for a good reason and they were helpful for you at one point in your life. Shaming yourself for being stuck in the cycle doesn’t help you get out. We can only change the things we are aware of, and we can only develop full awareness in a context where we can let go of defensiveness, blame, and shame.
Remember these three keys: kindness, compassion, and curiosity. Notice where your internal judgments come up and where shame keeps you from touching the pain.
Explore your cycle and your core motive
Start by writing out your version of the people pleasing cycle. You can think of particular relationships or you can write more generally.
In each phase, write down what you are usually thinking and feeling. Be honest, kind, and fair to yourself. Assume that in each phase you’re doing the best you can and genuinely trying to do what’s best for yourself and others.
When you’re actively people pleasing, what motivates you to put the other person’s wants, needs, and interests before your own? How does this serve you? How does this serve the other person and the relationship?
When the resentment starts to build, what do you notice in your thoughts, emotions, and body feelings that tells you you’re feeling unimportant? Is it usually a certain amount of time or does something happen to change how you’re feeling? Do you always have that resentment but are good at suppressing it until it’s too big?
Is there ever a conflict point where you blow up and get upset at people for taking advantage of you or do you tend to pull away? What are your thoughts and feelings when that’s happening? What’s your reasoning and justification?
What draws you back into people pleasing again? Is it something on their part like an apology, guilt tripping, or promises to do better? Is it your own discomfort of feeling out of relationship? Are you afraid of being abandoned or rejected for wanting more?
When you have your full people pleasing cycle in front of you, look at the thoughts and emotions that fuel each part. If you notice anything that’s missing, go back and add it.
You can see from here why advice like “just try setting boundaries” and “practice saying no” doesn’t work. It doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. For most people, the heart of people pleasing is a deep desire for connection and relationship. You don’t wake up one day and decide that you want to shut down your own needs and desires, you do it because some person or experience taught you that’s how you get love and acceptance.
Here are some of the things I see often at the core of people pleasing:
I’m not good enough as I am. I need to provide value to others so they want to be around me.
I’m broken, bad, or wrong. I don’t deserve to be loved as I am and I need to make up for it.
Loneliness is the worst thing ever. I’d rather be miserable in this relationship than be alone again. I want better, but I don’t know if I will ever find that.
Doing what I want is selfish. I put others first and in return they should put me first. I don’t know why that second part never seems to work out.
If I genuinely say what I want, other people might not accept me. I don’t care about my needs that much, so I’d rather do what they want.
Notice how your core motive fits into each phase of your people pleasing cycle.
A brief word of caution
In order to step out of the cycle, you will need to find a stronger motivation elsewhere. You may have to work through limiting beliefs about your self esteem, your ability to tolerate discomfort, and the ways your past contributes to your people pleasing cycle. Therapy can help with this part.
This bit may be hard to hear. As awful as the cycle can be, you’re stuck in it because it’s easier and more comfortable than breaking the cycle.
People might get mad at you. They might not like you or your choices. You might find that friends, family members, or partners were counting on your self-sacrifice. You will lose friends. You might have to leave your partner.
Quitting people pleasing is hard. You’ll have to confront your deepest fears about rejection and possibly be rejected by people who are close to you.You’ll have to get in touch with your own needs and desires and confront the messages that tell you you’re selfish, mean, or rude for prioritizing yourself.
In therapy, some of my clients get to this point and decide that breaking the cycle isn’t worth the cost. The stress, anxiety, and resentment are easier to take than the pain of change. That’s why your motivation for doing this is so important.
Maybe you want to model healthy boundaries and self-esteem for your kids. Maybe you want friendships based on reciprocity and emotional intimacy where you’re wanted and loved for who you are and not what you do for them.
Stepping out of the cycle
This part is hard. It involves noticing the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that pull you into people pleasing and doing something else instead.
On paper? It’s that simple. In real life? It looks like sitting with intense guilt after you say no to something that would have overextended you. It looks like getting in touch with your genuine wants and needs so you can build up your self-esteem. It looks like exploring your values and being okay letting go of relationships that don’t support those values.
In practice, this isn’t something you spend a weekend journaling about and magically overcome. It’s a daily, even hourly practice of choosing yourself and your values. Every time you are pulled into codependency, it’s noticing the pattern and intentionally doing something different.
And it doesn’t even get easier right away. The first time you step out of the cycle you’ll feel all the guilt, shame, regret, and fear. The hundredth time can feel exactly the same. These patterns have been deeply ingrained for many years, and they don’t get unlearned overnight. Therapy can help the process go faster since you’ll have accountability and support, but many of my clients still take about a year to feel like they’ve genuinely internalized positive self-esteem, healthy boundaries, and self-affirming values.
So how does mindfulness fit in?
Mindfulness is the process of noticing. It helps you gain awareness of the patterns that are holding you stuck in the cycle of people pleasing. It helps you practice noticing without judgment and approaching your shadow side with compassion, kindness, and curiosity. It helps with the daily practices of noticing when a person or situation is pulling you out of alignment with your values so you can choose to act differently.
Mindfulness helps you sit with uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Discomfort and pain are a normal part of life, not something to avoid. And breaking any sort of cycle will inevitably lead to more pain before the healing.
This practice is the foundation of creating meaningful change for yourself. Even if you don’t feel like you’re ready to break the cycle yet, get into a mindfulness practice. The skills you learn there will help you when you decide you are ready for something new. And if you’re based in California, I can help you too.