Boundaries with Family
Or: A Holiday Guide to Setting Boundaries for People Pleasers
So let’s start by acknowledging that the concept of boundaries has pretty much gone mainstream at this point. As a result, there’s a really watered down idea of what boundaries are.
Boundaries are not rules for other people’s behavior. Boundaries are the acknowledgement of your own limits and needs.
True boundaries are the lines in the sand you draw for yourself. That’s why nobody can “violate your boundaries” but you. The problem with the pop-psychology view of boundaries as rules for other people is that it gives the power to them. They’re the ones who get to decide how you feel and control your experience. That’s why rules are not boundaries. And boundaries are just for you! So they don’t even need to be expressed or explained to others unless you are talking to someone who is supportive and wants to help you.
Here’s an example that’s totally not related to my own experiences with extended family around the holidays (sarcasm).
Not A Boundary:
Dad, don’t talk about politics when I’m around.
No, really, you’re crossing my boundary!
Getting huffy and mad that your “boundary” was ignored.
Actual Boundary:
Deciding for yourself that you don’t want to engage in political discussions at the meal.
Making a plan to walk away from the conversation or go sit somewhere else if people start discussing politics.
Whether or not you tell people about your boundary, making sure you take care of yourself and follow your plan even if it’s awkward to walk away.
Do you see the difference? An actual, helpful boundary is just something you decide for yourself.
Here’s the thing. Especially for sensitive, empathetic people pleasers, telling other people about your boundaries can be counterproductive. Especially with your family. Nobody can push your buttons like family. And if you have people in your family who see your boundaries as places to push harder, expressing your needs and limits is an invitation to them to poke there to get you to break.
Expressing your boundaries is something you do only in a safe, supportive relationship. Otherwise, it only opens you up to hurt.
Step 1: Identify the Problems
Thinking about your next holiday party or interaction, what problems have come up in the past?
My favorite way to identify a place where you need a boundary is to look for resentment. Resentment shows us where we’ve stayed in bad situations too long or allowed others to treat us poorly.
This could be a particular person who always gets under your skin. Or a topic you don’t want to talk about with certain people. It could also be an issue with expectations, rules, or norms from your family. Maybe the host’s home is too bright with too many candles going, and the number of loud conversations feels overwhelming after a few hours.
Whatever it is, take the time to ask yourself what kind of limits you need for yourself in order to have a good time.
Decide not to go deeper than small talk with the person you don’t enjoy
Ignore or walk away from comments about your weight or what’s on your plate
Tell the host you don’t enjoy formal dress and you can come in nice casual clothes or not at all
Take a break from loud rooms by going outside, or decide you’ll show up late and leave early
Step 2 (optional): Ask for Support
This one is optional because it really only applies if you’ll need help walking away from certain people or if you are going to holiday events with a spouse or partner who also needs to know if you want to leave early.
If you aren’t going alone, this may need to be a negotiation. In any partnership, there are often competing needs. This can turn into a discussion about how best to meet both of your needs, or it can be a way for your partner to support you.
I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: you don’t need to express your boundaries to people who are harmful or not supportive of your needs. You can hold to your boundaries better if you don’t have someone actively trying to poke holes in your support system.
Step 3: Notice and Hold Difficult Emotions
The hardest part about keeping to your boundaries is often the feelings of guilt, old messages telling you you’re selfish for prioritizing your needs, and being shamed for standing up for yourself.
Recovery from people pleasing often looks like learning how to feel those difficult emotions and hold to your boundaries anyway. This is a lot of what I help people with in therapy. Especially for highly sensitive people and empaths, you’re so highly aware of the pain of disappointing others that it feels easier in the moment to sacrifice your own comfort and well-being to keep the peace. But that just keeps the cycle going. So take the challenge and sit with those feelings.
Reminding yourself of your values and your larger plans for yourself can help. Yes, it’s scary to risk angering or disappointing others. But in the long term, you want to hold to these boundaries. You know you need to change the way you’re relating to your family in order to honor yourself too.
The sales pitch: Therapy Can Help
There is a good, authentic life for you on the other side of people pleasing. You can honor your boundaries and have healthy relationships. You can also keep a relationship with unhealthy family members while protecting yourself by keeping to your limits.
Whatever your goals are, therapy can help. And if you’re in California? Email me for a free consultation and we can talk about if working with me is the right fit for you.